woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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