Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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