she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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