a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
