OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize