Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
