Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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