I cannot find my penis.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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