My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
