she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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