You smell like a Billy Joel song
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just want nice things and good sex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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