I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
