Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
