I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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