There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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