can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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