Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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