Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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