does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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