I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
