The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
