Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
