So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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