I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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