I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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