her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
