Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
