Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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