the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
