The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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