mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
