you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
