good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
