Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I smell stomach acid.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
