Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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