remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
