she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
