Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
this will be a night to untag.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had sex on a dog bed..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
