I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize