I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
