I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
