That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize