I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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