Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize