dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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