I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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