You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
