Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize