Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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