Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
