Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
