closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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