You can't special order awesome
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
