Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
