so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need to calm my uterus...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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