i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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