Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
