life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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