I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
