dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
