Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
