Who did Billy Mays play for?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
